Butter is Back

So here we are again. Bold new adventures and tales of mystery will once again unfold before your very eyes. It has been far too long and I have many stories to tell. Watch out for The Butternut Chronicles.

Yay Beer

My mom sent me this picture recently. No wonder I love beer so much.

It's my Birthday Mother F**kers!

Seriously though, I really don't care much about birthdays, I never caught on to the hype. I don't know, something about the fact that I exist because my parents had sex in the back of a car at the drive-in sure does make me want to drink but not because it's a "special day." I don't know when my relationship with my mom got so good that she thought it would be fun to tell me the true nature of my not so immaculate conception. "The Horror, The Horror." 

Although, I have my dad to thank for my potty mouth. Something about saying "F**K Christmas" to a 3 year old kinda stayed with me through the years. Who knew that a child's personality begins to take shape around 3? A celebration indeed. Cheers!

Why So Serious?

I am getting sick and tired of Politicians. They lie, they steal, they take advantage of the poor, and they yell at babies. At what point will a person who holds so much power to do right be held accountable for ignoring the public and treating good people like insignificant trash. WHY SO SERIOUS? Because those of us who live in Uptown are sick and tired of the BULLSHIT!

Rainbow of Death

I was sitting outside yesterday enjoying the weather changing from sunny, to rainy, back to sunny, to harder rain with sun, to more rain, then more sun, when around 6:30 pm I look up and see this hard to miss massive double rainbow........OF DEATH.

While my girlfriend, my neighbor, and myself looked up to the sky and smiled, someone else might have taken one look at the sky and thought, "you know what? I think I'm gonna go try and kill somebody." No more than 2 hours later another gang shoot out took place a few blocks away.

The second I read about the gunfire on Uptown Crime Blotter, the image of a gangbanger looking up at the sky while anger floods his heart at the sight of a rainbow popped into my head. I don't know why this was my first thought other than I have a strange sense of humor. It's a good thing the rain didn't turn into glitter yesterday because we probably would have had a riot on our hands.

I can't help but laugh at the absurdity of my thoughts but then again it's one way I cope with the absurdity of violence.

Uptown's new water bottling facility

Six hours.......two hours.......30 minutes........50 seconds.......I type $181.20 and left click. "You are currently the highest bidder." Oh My God, am I actually going to win it this time? 10 seconds, "You have been outbid." "F*$&!!!!!" I have been defeated again. Damn you Ebay, Damn you! "Now what do I do? I know, I will drown my woes with some cold refreshing beer." I tuck in my sorrow, grab my keys, and head out to Sheridan Liquors. "I wonder if I will witness anything blog worthy," I think to myself. 

HOLY S$#%! As I came upon Leland and Magnolia, my eyes focused on a fraken¹ fountain shooting out of the asphalt in the middle of the street. "I have to stop leaving my phone and my camera at home!" I ran home, grabbed my tools of technology, and rushed back to the scene.

I immediately summoned the spirit of Ansel Adams and shot as many photos as my little memory card would allow. Soon after I called 911 and reported the incident. Eventually my call made its way to Streets and Sanitation where they assured me they knew about it and had a truck on the way. 

Well I guess I can add another badge to my Boy Scout Sash. Oh wait, I was kicked out of Boy Scouts when I was 8 for breaking the son of the den mothers G.I. Joe toy. CRAP!

1 Fracken: Frack or frak is a bowdlerised version of fuck first used in the original Battlestar Galactica series. In the "re-imagined" version it appears with greater frequency and with the revised spelling "frak" (the producers wanted to make it a four letter word). YES I AM A NERD

Halloween in April

You know that car commercial where they make fun of how right after you send in your last car payment, your car dies? It was on my mind yesterday as I was placing a newly charged car battery into my (recently paid off car) for the third time this month. Until I figure out what is freakishly draining my battery, I will have to continue this fuel cell dance; tighten the bolts, close the hood, turn the keys and pray. 

What the hell does this have to do with Halloween you ask? As I slowly made my way to Magnolia and Lawrence, my car was surrounded by about 10 or so teens ranging from 12-18 yrs old. As the group passed by me, the youngest of the bunch yelled something at me while flashing what looked like gang signs. This kid couldn't have been more than 12 years old and it made my heart sink thinking about what kind of future he will have, if any. Since I was the only car at the intersection I decided to keep my eye on the group for a bit and that is when I noticed one of the kids, who looked like the oldest, wearing the same hoodie in the picture above. Now, if I saw this article of clothing in the burbs I wouldn't have given it a second thought, but this is Uptown and I just got flashed gang signs so it disturbed me a bit. I could only imagine walking home at night being accosted by some dude in this get up. 

The group continued walking down the middle of the street as if they were letting everyone know they own it. After the 2 girls in the group moved to the sidewalk, the boys spread out Reservoir Dogs style and blocked any chance of a car let alone a cyclist getting by. It was kind of a weird thing to witness and I can only imagine what would have happened if I was still at my car, messing with the battery, as they walked by. I kinda wish I had been, probably would have made a more interesting story. 

Later on as I was driving south on Damen, with the group of kids on my mind, I almost ran over a guy lying on top of his bicycle in the middle of the road. It happened so fast, not a second before he was right behind me when he shot out in front of my car and, "WHAM." When I'm on my bike not much scares me more than the driver of a freshly parked car opening their door right as I pass by. I knew a guy a few years back who had his right nipple re-attached after a similar accident and I throw up in my mouth a little every time the image crosses my mind. Soon after making my FBI like swerve around the scene, it occurred to me, good thing I try not to use my phone while driving because I would probably be sitting in jail right now as my bloody car, with a dying battery, rusts in the impound lot. 

Wow I have a sick since of humor :)